This blog post recounts the week following my Mom’s heart transplant! Enjoy the story of God faithfully placing me in my first job. But, continue reading to find out about my Mom’s second open-heart surgery

I was in a really fortunate position when in the job search around the time of my college graduation. When I was in high school, I participated in a program that allowed me to intern in an elementary classroom three days a week and receive “teacher training” type things the other two days. It worked out for me for several reasons

1. I had a wonderful teacher that I interned with. We are still friends!
2. We got a stinkin’ PE waiver! I don’t know how it justified. But, I was really glad not to have to take PE at public high school. My white self would not have lasted.
3. It was two class periods. I got TWO 100s added to my GPA for that year
4. I got a contract to work for the district upon my graduation from college and teacher certification- bam!

At the time, while I was thankful for this contract, it didn’t mean much to me. It was a wonderful year where I learned a ton and the Lord totally affirmed in my heart that teaching was, “my calling.” I thought I would be too cool and not return home after college and work somewhere else. But the contract was a nice cushion.

After spending four years in Austin and being in a handful of different schools and districts, I realized how appealing my home district was. It is a really great district to work for as a professional and has a wide range of schools. A lot of diversity and a reputation of excellence. Bingo. Now, the only thing that I wasn’t crazy about was the coming home and living with my parents thing. But, it’s Dallas so I can live anywhere… I digress

Over winter break I filled out my application, gathered my references and eventually, in April, signed my open contract. Exciting!! I dropped off my resume at schools, talked to all of the contacts I had, and prayed that God would put me exactly where he wanted me when he wanted to.

A few days before my graduation I finally decided to email HR and ask about the time frame of interviews for open contract recipients. I was surprised when I received a frantic phone call shortly thereafter.

“Ms. Springer, we’re so sorry to tell you this. But, we have in our file that you have accepted a job elsewhere.”

“What? How could that be? I haven’t been offered any other jobs. When is this marked?”

They proceeded to tell me that they flagged my application in March that put me out of the system.  Even though I signed a contract in April. It didn’t add up. There were a lot of

“We’re so sorry” “We’ll hope for the best”, etc. They had been interviewing and placing open contract students for two weeks and I had been out of the system.

Lots of apologies later, I called my mom, got my good cry out, and journaled and prayed about it. I knew God was doing something. But it was realllly hard to figure out what! I was so nervous. Even though I know that God’s plan is always better and always bigger, I was frustrated that the timing and details hadn’t already fallen into place.

Then, I graduated. My mom got a heart transplant. Eventually we’re at Tuesday of the week following her transplant. She is back in a regular room and doing very  well. I was really enjoying my time with her! We were watching things on TV and chatting and were just more relaxed around each other than we had been in a while. I honesty cherished that time in the hospital with her.

That Tuesday I got a call from a principal and she wanted to set up an interview for a third grade position that Friday. Awesome! I stayed Tuesday night in the hospital and on Wednesday morning received a call from another school for a first grade position. I scheduled that interview for Thursday. My mom’s friend Rose stayed with my mom on Wednesday and Thursday night so that I could be at home preparing for my interviews.

On Wednesday night, I got to go celebrate two of my friends’ recent engagement. It was wonderful to enjoy my friends and celebrate their relationship! I went home, got some rest and went to my interview on Thursday. It went SO well. Without giving too many details, I knew that, if offered that job, I would really enjoy working there.

I went to the hospital and saw my mom that night. She was doing awesome. They had just put her on a blood thinner for the swelling she was experiencing in her arms. The doctors say she is going home the next morning! I leave that night and run a couple of errands to help prepare the house for her return. In my mind, I figured that I would go to my 10AM interview the next day, come back up to the hospital, fetch my mom and it would be smooth sailing.

I texted Rose on Friday morning before my interview to ask how things were going. She responded, “it’s ok. We’re praying.” This wasn’t too abnormal but was a little more negative than previous updates. I didn’t think much of it.

I went into my interview, had a great time, and left with a job offer. Of course, just like any young girl and her first job, I can’t wait to talk to my mom about my new life choices! I call Rose to see how everything’s going.

“Hey, what’s the status?”

“Well, the status is that your mom has a blood clot.”

“Huh? What does that mean?” I ask, staying relatively calm

“It means they had to take her back into surgery, she’s in there now.”

“Like, they opened her back up?”

“Yeah, another open heart surgery.”

Ok, well. That’s a bummer. I remember being scared but almost relieved that I didn’t know any more details than that. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could have done. I had a peace that obviously was from Christ. I did not hold it in my own strength or understanding to know what was going on at that moment.

I get to the hospital and my family is back in the ICU waiting room. My dad, brother, grandparents, aunt, and Rose are all there. Everyone seems to be in pretty good spirits.

Eventually, a nurse comes out. She says that my mom is out of surgery. She was cheery.

Then, eventually, a doctor comes out. He is a big, German guy. I’ve seen him before. He doesn’t smile but walks up to start explaining to us what has happened.

Have any of you ever been in this situation? I mean, I was pretty sure it was going to be OK news because that nurse lady had just told us that she was out. But.the way he looked at us.the pace of his talking. Oh my goodness! It was so ER/Grey’s Anatomy. I started fearing the worst. I couldn’t imagine sitting there in the waiting room and hearing any bad news. I did not know how to handle it.

My mom had experienced cardiac tamponade. You can look it up. It’s not exactly a blood clot. But, as a result of it, two quarts of blood had actually been clotted around my mom’s heart. She had been really, really sick the night before. And, at 10AM, when I was walking into my interview, she was the weakest and worst she’s ever felt in her life. The rapid response team of nurses was rushing her down to an OR to fix what was, basically, making her heart stop. I was not told any of this until after my interview. And I was very content with that.

I’ll be honest. I definitely struggle with fear and control idols. But, I am also so aware that I am not in control. Me being there or knowing what was going on wouldn’t have done anything to help my mom or help me. God was going to work it out His way (the best way) and he had me exactly where he needed me that moment.

Finally, we saw my mom. She was worse than the last time. She was in so much pain. I mean, she had just experienced her second open-heart surgery of a week, after being up all night sick the night before. She was weak and she was tired. As she was coming off of the drugs I came in and saw her. I could see her start to cry and then I would say her name or tell her I loved her. She tried so hard not to cry while I was there. I could just tell that she didn’t want to scare me or appear weak. It was the most she could do for me as she lay there helpless. It was hard but it was also a relief.

Rose prayed with me in the hallway about my job situation. I still hadn’t heard from the first school but felt that I was in a position where they needed me to make a decision that day. I talked to some people, prayed, and eventually, got in the car to go home. I was going to get my things to return and stay in the hospital that night.

I was back in the same boat I’d been in a week before. Leaving the ICU, knowing I’d be returning soon to be up all night in that sad & heavy place. And selfishly, wanting to know what to do with my life and feeling like it was really bad timing that I had to decide right then! Driving…crying… the phone rings.

“Hey Laynie, this is _____ _______ (principal from the first school). I wanted to let you know that we’ve interviewed our other applicants and we want to offer you the position. But, I’ve talked to _____ (principal at second school) and I know that she has offered you a position as well. We want you to pick what is the best fit for you…

We want you to spend this weekend loving on your mom and being with your family.

You can let us know on Tuesday.

But we want you to know that we both love you!”

Ok, now I know she didn’t mean this like, we love you we love you. But, at that moment. I felt SO loved! These random ladies are not only offering me jobs but are demanding that I spend the weekend with my mom.

One week ago I was convinced I was doomed. I was all caught up in the stupid details of where people would park at my graduation. I was living in denial of the realness that was my mother’s heart failure and need for a transplant.

And in one week, God turned it all around. He changed my perspective. He gave my mom new life. He allowed a scare and suffering, but he brought her back. He reminded us that he was in control and that he was good.  And when I was convinced I would be without a job at all, God was just planning the perfect thing for me at just the perfect time.

I am happy to say that I accepted the third grade position and God has continued to work out the details. (Even moving me from Math/Science to Language Arts and placing one of my best friend’s sister-in-laws as my teammate!) I am excited to see the way God moves in me and in my classroom this year.

For a little treat for my Dad, I want to speak some affirmation into him as a father & let the world know WHY he is so cool.

Disclaimer: no one would try to convince you that either of my parents are perfect. So, don’t be fooled into thinking that the man does not have flaws- we all do. But, of the men here on earth I’ve encountered, he’s got to be the best one. Also, I am going to try to narrow this down, so I’m sure I will leave some of his amazing qualities out.

My dad is encouraging. Many of these characteristics overflow into one another. But here are some reasons my dad’s being an encourager has shaped me as a woman. He is always there to cheer me on. Be it sports that I played when I was younger, dance, theatre, and into college- he’s there to participate and encourage.

He does this well with little gifts. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful and aware that my dad spends money on me and showers me with nice things, too. But, the most meaningful things he does are in the little ways. One memory I have is after not making the 8^th grade cheerleading squad, my dad wrote a note on every food in my lunch that somehow tied in with the food itself, i.e.- “Orange you glad I love you?” It was, of course, embarrassing, but I appreciate it. My dad has also been known to write me letters, even when in the same city, and leave me little notes as well. In high school and college he would send me text messages throughout the day on random days just to tell me he loved me, thought I was beautiful, etc.

My dad has always told me I’m beautiful. Maybe this is natural and all dads do it. It used to bug me SO much! I remember being in junior high and awkward as all get out. I had braces, funky hair, acne- you name it. I would roll out of bed in the morning and my dad would look at me with a big smile on his face and say, “You’re beautiful.” Didn’t believe him for a second. But, what I’ve come to believe in years since is that he really did believe it. I don’t think it was beauty as the world could see it, and I certainly couldn’t see it. But I know that he meant it. It taught me that, no matter what I see in myself, or the world sees in me, that my earthly father and more than that my Heavenly Father can see a beauty in me.  My dad encourages not only me but also my friends in the same way.

My dad is entertaining. Duh. Have you met him? Do I need to go into detail? He sings, he plays guitar, he dances, he tells stories. But people love being around him and he loves being around people. He believes in the value of entertainment and because of that is a huge proponent of concerts. He took me to Hanson, Spice Girls, and Britney Spears before I was 11 years old. We have seen countless Pat Green concerts together. We love doing these things!

My dad is entertaining in the sense that he is a host. He always opens up his home and loves when my friends and I are there. He’s known to take my friends and me on trips, even in an RV through the mountains (and he is not a mountain man).

My dad will drag me onto a dance floor that no one else is on, and swing me around like we’re in the middle of a full dance hall. It’s ridiculous. If it were anybody else (and even with him) I would be horrified. But, with my dad’s confidence and determination, I just learn to go with it. He can put me at ease in those situations in a way that no one else can.

Ask him about his mouse joke & to gator at weddings.

My dad is enthusiastic. About everything he does! He gets excited about the little things. I have never seen someone get so excited about the little things. He is enthusiastic about his friends, his family, his job, his hobbies. If you are part of our family or one of our friends, you are in our lives. I can’t tell you how excited it makes my dad to go to family reunions and weddings for family members that are 3^rd or 4^th cousins twice removed or something It’s because he’s excited about it, along with the rest of his family, and that enthusiasm is a also a result of his investment in the things and people that matter.

Finally, a great gift my dad has is that he is empowering. While I always talk about how much I need a man who is a Mr. Fix-It (unlike my father) my dad is really good at empowering me to fix things on my own. I often want decisions made for me, things figured out for me, approved of, etc.  I’m going to throw honest into this mix of empowering, and this is why: my dad will comfort me and help me in rough times, but he also is real about what’s going on. He doesn’t let me just slip by thinking, “poor me, how did this happen to me?” I remember in high school being really upset over something. He sat there and just let me cry for a long time. “Remember, Laynie, this was your decision. It’s going to work out for the best but it ‘s going to hurt in the meantime. It just sucks” Thanks, Dad. While that’s never fun to hear, sometimes the right person can say it with enough love that you really do believe it- which is good, because it’s TRUTH.

My freshman year in high school, I had a fainting spell in my dorm. My roommate had to call 911 and while I wasn’t concerned that there was a deeper issue, I remember being really emotional about it all day. It was one of my friend’s birthdays that I had to miss, I had to miss class, and I was in pain from the episode. My mom was in Africa at the time, so when we called my dad to tell him what happened, he was so calm about it. He, of course, comforted me and all of those things. But, he eventually said to me, “Laynie, you’re dealing with a lack of control right now. This is an issue of an idol that is being revealed. God is in control of this and you are going to be OK. You need to release your grip and relax.” It was so true, and rarely had I been pointed to that truth before.

Recently, I called my dad to ask about a decision regarding rent and living situations, etc. My first of “big girl, post grad decisions”. He gave his opinion but ultimately said, “Laynie, remember you have great judgement on these things. You’re gonna do great. It is going to work out.” Instead of doing it for me and me being in the same position next time, he spoke truth and affirmation into me.

I think our society has too much of a tendency to try to control situations and to fix problems. These are common and not necessarily bad all the time. But, where our tendency is to find and fix the “bad” things about people, we are much more effective when we speak truth and affirmation into the positive qualities. I am so thankful that my Daddy does this with me! He has taught me so much about God’s love for me, how I should treat others, and how to enjoy life simply and generously.

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! I am thankful for you!

Parte Dos

After getting dressed and gaterhing my things, Haley and I went downstairs to the ICU waiting room to get the scoop.

I think a doctor talked to us then but I’m not sure. Eventually, we all went back to the ICU where we got the DL on the procedure. Everything went pretty well.

My mom was still unconscious when we saw her. Her head and face were huge and swollen. This was weird to see because my mom is such a tiny person. She had tubes all over her body and a huge breathing tube coming out of her mouth. They told us that it would be a couple of hours until she began to wake up.

Different people came up to the hospital to see her…it is all kind of a blur.

Finally, we get word that she is waking up. I go back to see her. I say something to her and she realizes it’s me. She tried to smile but I could tell she was having trouble.

All of a sudden, she is really irritated. She keeps tugging at her breathing tube and doing sign language. What the heck, Mom? You know sign language? I’m freaking out thinking something is wrong. The nurses assure me that everyone does this when they’re coming off anesthesia. I am not convinced. It really upset me, though, and I ended up leaving the room for a while. Turns out later she was totally fine. Wanted ice. Everyone really does that when they are coming off anesthesia.

My mom is highly allergic to painkillers like morphine, hydrocodone, etc. So, these hours were painful and long for her. You can’t sit in the ICU with your patient. So, you stand there. My mom was finding comfort in me holding her hands and wiping her forehead. She was getting sick to her stomach. We tried to keep her comfortable but I could tell she was pretty miserable. I read her some verses and prayed with her. We find out her nurse is a believer. Her pain and discomfort was in several places. But, when she made any comments about her chest, the nurses spread their arms out wide and said, “Oh it’s because you were spread out with your hands tied down like this and then they cut your…” OK THANKS WE GET IT. Yuck. I cannot imagine the strength that took out of her.

At some point, Brittany and Hilary get to town with my stuff and the things my mom left behind. Brittany and Hilary had driven in on Thursday from Dallas to Austin to be at my graduation. After I left in a frenzy on Friday night, Brittany, Hilary and Kayla stayed behind and packed up my room, knowing that I had to have my things out by that weekend. Cool friends. Still one of the biggest blessings. While they packed, my roommates prayed together. I loved hearing how God was providing in both of those ways. Hillary and Kayla brought the rest of my stuff later in the week. Humbled. Thankful. Relieved. Anyways, they sit with me. Family is there, random friends, what have you.

My mom tells us that she would like to have people with her through the night. The nurses are very preoccupied with other critical patients in the ICU. The little things that were keeping my Mom OK were things we could help with. So, my mom’s friend Susan T stays at the hospital. I leave about 8pm and agree to come back around 2AM to relieve her.

Leaving the hospital that night felt like I had been gone for weeks. It hadn’t even been 24 hours. But I felt like everything was different. There I had been enjoying a celebration weekend, the last few days before the “real world” and little did I know the “real world” was about to hit me in the face. I was running on little energy and little stability. I needed a good cry. I had one. I get home, eat, and try to figure out if I can get someone to come to the hospital with me at 2. I didn’t particularly want to drive to downtown Baylor in the middle of the night and be there alone.

Sweet Hilary to the rescue. I fall asleep and try to get in like four hours or something. My head is throbbing from all the crying. I am still afraid and uncomfortable that I am not with my mom. All the things that could happen are running through my head again. Finally, I get some relief and fall asleep. I wake up to Hilary at the foot of my bed at 1:30 or so, telling me she is making me coffee for the road. I feel so cared for, so comforted.

We get back to the hospital and get settled in the waiting room. I remember cracking up at something for a good fifteen minutes. God is providing sweet time like that before I step back into the dark and heavy reality beyond the doors.

Hilary making me laugh and staying entertained by National Geographic between the hours of 2 and 9 AM.

It is a rough night. They bring in a new ICU patient that is very sick. My mom is concerned and feeling sad about the weight of all of these sick people around her. We pray together. Her nurse is wonderful. I have such a huge respect for nurses now. I am exhausted and in pain but happy to be there for what she needs. Still no chair to sit in. It was a loooong night of standing. My mom couldn’t sleep because she didn’t have one of her medications that she needed. At this point it had been like 48 hours without sleep (not including the surgery itself)

At some point in the night I took a little break in the waiting room. Hilary had fallen asleep on the chair and I opened up my Bible and my trusty Jesus Calling devotional. I already had a good laugh at May 18’s entry. Ha! I thought it had been about graduating college. Nope. Anyways, May 19 and I’m reflecting. Jesus Calling’s subtitle is “Enjoying Peace in His Presence.” The book is written like a love letter from Jesus to his children (us). He constantly asks that we just be with him and enjoy the peace that comes from that. I’m starting to get what that means.  I write in my notebook:

“Lord as I sit here with Hilary beside me & as I am with my mom in the ICU even when she’s not talking- I am encouraged by the concept of presence. Just their being there puts me at peace. It makes me want to draw nearer to you… God hold me close. Bring me near. Let me be in constant prayer. Prayer like breathing.

God you are good.

God come closer

God you have provided

Bring comfort

You have brought peace!

Provide healing.

Praise, praise, praise, praise be to the God & father of our Lord Jesus Christ”

I am reminded that God uses people to point me to himself.

The next morning, Susan H (Hilary’s mom) brings us Benny’s Bagels. This may seem like  a minor detail. But y’all, speaking to my soul here. My mom is comforted by having Susan H and their friend Melissa there for the morning. So, they take over and Hilary and I return home to get some real rest. On the way out I ask if we can take a look at the prayer garden I noticed across from the hospital. We go in, take a peak, and Hilary asks if we can pray. I’m exhausted and delirious but taking all the prayers I can get. We pray and I cry and I am humbled and thankful and still scared but aware of His presence.

Jesus Calling

I go home and take a mid day nap. The best I have slept in a long time. I still feel emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed and am tired of everyone’s pictures of the fireworks show at UT graduation. (But really I am so happy for them and knowing that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be).

When I eventually return to the hospital, things are going well. My mom’s best friend Rose is there and she’s somehow figured out a way to get a chair in the ICU…lucky break. I stay with her a while and we rummage through the goodies my dad got her. I never knew a hairbrush, finger nail clippers, and makeup remover towlettes (from her ex-husband, no less) could make a woman so happy. It truly is the little things! The nurses give her the meds she needs to rest, she sleeps! Rose stays over night and I attempt my first real night of sleep in a bed since Thursday.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you

Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever, amen.” 1 Peter 5:6-11

I’d be curious to know what Peter meant by “ a little while” when he wrote this. I’ve learned that God’s concept of time is nothing like ours. Nations suffer for generations. People suffer for years. While my mom was continuing to suffer in many ways, she was also at rest. As I still was suffering in ways, I was also thankful for the restoration that God was providing. In retrospect, the suffering was (and still is) real but came in short spurts. God was giving us reason to lean on Him the way we always should be, but giving relief as well.

More to come.

I BELIEVE that before I came into existence, a Powerful and Loving God created our earth. He created the heavens and the earth. He created light and darkness. And then he created man. He created man in the image of himself. He blessed man and multiplied him.

Somewhere in his initial creation of Adam and Eve, he also planned me.He planned me, my parents before me, and he planned every human that I would encounter in my lifetime. Not with coincidence and not without care.

And long before I came onto this earth, my God and Father thought carefully about the parents he would give me. He thought about the lives he would give them and then he brought me into this world as part of their lives.

And far before any of us could fathom that I would walk, or talk, or fail or achieve, he knew the fateful day of May 18, 2012.

Now if we had been given the chance to guess 22 years ago, maybe just maybe we would have guessed that this would be the day that I would graduate from college. (And we would have been correct!) But, in my heart, I will not live with that day in my head as the day I walked the stage at the University of Texas. I will remember May 18 as fateful because it was the day that my mother was given new life.

See I did it! I really did graduate that day! And BOTH my parents got to watch!

When I was four years old (and my mother 38) she was diagnosed with a  serious and scary heart condition. We’ll call it dilated cardiomyopathy and ventricular tachycardia (because that’s what it’s called). She was told that she had 6 months to 2 years to live before she would need a heart transplant. While I was four and did not understand the gravity of the situation, I knew that things were different. Throughout my life, things were scary at times. My mom had 5 internal defibrillators during that time period and a couple of times those “shocked” her and ambulances had to be called. But I had a mom just like most people I knew . She stayed at home instead of worked, she was involved in the PTA, took us on vacation, etc.. For that, I am thankful. I lived a pretty normal childhood. In the back of my mind, I knew it was different and I knew it was scary. But, we all trudged on, putting our faith in God and sometimes, mistakenly, in ourselves and in the success of her health thus far.

And for the majority of the past 18 years, my mom has been healthy and happy. She has defied the odds. Sure, we have had our hard times. But, they are just like yours. We have faced trials and we have bugged the CRAP out of each other. We have been your standard mother/daughter with high emotion.

But, the week preceding May 18, 2012, I was shuffling around figuring out how my mother, my grandparents, and my whole family would get to Austin, find a place to park, find a place to sit, and happily enjoy my college graduation (which I was so excited to celebrate!!) After I walked the stage on May 18, I spent the day celebrating and relaxing with my family and dearest friends. The BIG celebration would be Saturday, the 19^th, at the UT Tower. There would be fireworks, songs, speeches, and friends.

I arrived to the restaurant to celebrate my graduation dinner with three of my best friends, my uncle, and my dad. My other aunt and uncle showed up shortly thereafter. My dad’s parents were on their way. The hostess talked to me about how there was a mix up on our reservation. I was furious. We made the reservation in February. They asked if we could sit on the patio. I assured them that my mother was a heart patient and there was NO WAY we would be sitting on the patio in the heat of the summer. As we sat on a bench in the restaurant waiting to be seated, it did cross my mind that it was a bit odd that my mother and her parents were not there yet. My mom’s parents are always on time. Actually, they are usually early. Like I said, it crossed my mind. But, I was not concerned about it at the time.

Oh hey look, here’s everybody without a care in the world about the enjoy my graduation dinner! Steve’s shirt has blenders embroidered on it. Baller.

Then, the phone rang.

My grandfather was calling.

I answer, thinking, of course, they’re asking where to park, telling me they’re a bit late, or what have you.

But, actually, his news is.

“they’ve found a heart for Cyndi.”

“what?” as tears form in my eyes and my breathing stops.

“They’ve found a heart for Cyndi. She is on her way to Dallas now.”

“What? Right now? What do I do?” More tears. My friends and family start to realize I’m upset. I’m embraced and handed tissues. Nobody knows what’s going on.

“Laynie, I know it’s your graduation, but I advise you that you should get to Dallas.”

You see, my mother has been on the heart transplant list for 8 weeks at this point. And, I don’t know much about heart transplant lists except what I’ve learned from One Tree Hill.  (And yeah a dog eats his heart and then he gets some illegal transplant in Mexico, I should probably have found a new source at this point) But, from what I understand, you tend to spend a while on these lists. What I, in my own mind am thinking, is, there have to be a bunch of sick people out there, right? And here my mom is, lookin cute. Coming to dinner in Austin. Coming to my graduation. There are obviously a lot of people who need a heart more than her.

At this point heart failure has not set in to me to mean that her heart is failing. She’s dying. She needs a new heart. (I have avoidance issues) So, I, selfishly, am in no rush. I don’t want her to get a surgery and have all these risks. She seems just fine, right?

I get off the phone and look at my family who looks at me in confusion and fear.

“They have a heart for my mom.”

“WHAT? This is great!” My always (ok, USUALLY) optimistic father exclaims.

Uncle brad looks at me and says, “Oh my God, Oh my God” and embraces me in his arms.

I look at Brittany, Hilary and Kayla, who are all crying.

And y’all, I am scared. I am almost mad that my dad is saying “this is great.”

Because, like I said, the reality of “heart failure” has not set in. (even after 18 years)

So, to me, someone’s about to cut open my mom in a life threatening surgery and then (if everything goes best as possible) send her off to recovery for however long it takes. My life is totally interrupted. Now, I don’t just mean my graduation, or my plans, or whatever. I mean, the way I thought I’d interact, eat, sleep, drink, from now until whenever, is going to be different.

This is not great news. This is scary and I have to make a decision about what to do.

My uncle takes me outside.

“Laynie, if you want to go to Dallas, we’ll go right now, I’ll drive you.”

“I just wish I could talk to my mom. I don’t know what to do”

I call her, she doesn’t answer.

The fear runs through my head. My grandpa mentioned she had three hours to get to Dallas. She’s in a rush. What if she gets to Dallas, goes straight into surgery, and I don’t get to see her. What if I don’t get to see her go in and she never comes out.

At this point, all of my fears that I dealt with concerning homesickness my whole life set in. You know, that feeling where you haven’t seen your mom in a week and then all of a sudden you make up in your mind that something’s wrong? Ok, maybe that’s just me (I have some serious fear issues). But still. In my head worst case scenarios are playing out.

So, now, I am overwhelmed with the idea that I need to get my (excuse my French) ass to Dallas. I go back in the restaurant. I apologize profusely to my friends as I’m crying.

“I don’t know what to tell y’all. I have to leave. I don’t know what I would do if I don’t…”

“Laynie. It’s ok. Just go. We love you. Let us know if you want us to come.”

“We love you. We’re praying.” Uncle chuck and Aunt Jan tell me.

My dad, uncle brad, and myself hop in a cab. We get their things from the hotel and some of my things from my house.

Uncle Brad drives me in my car to Dallas as my dad drives in his car ahead of us.

In three hours, every fear that could possibly run through my head has. I have texted my friends and told them what is going on. People are praying. People are loving on me. I am grateful. I am aware that our God is bigger than all of this.

Finally, after at least an hour, my mom calls and tells me her status. She sounds fine. This is almost annoying. But also reassuring. They can’t do anything until they take her blood when she gets to the hospital. I am assured that I will get to see her before she gets wheeled in.

Finally, we arrive in Dallas. My aunt & uncle and grandmother are there. My mom’s best friend’s daughter. My mom’s good friend and lawyer from church. Eventually Jake and Austin are there. Me, my uncle. Then, my cousin Haley and my Papa show up. (They also came from Austin)

Hey, Aren’t I the best dressed girl on the transplant list? Check out my pedicure.

The chaplain comes in and prays with us. My mom, of course, realizes she knows him or something. Even though he is legitimately from Africa. (There is no such thing as a small world in our family.)

Then, real talk begins. Even though we are receiving less counsel than you generally receive before a dental exam, the chaplain is presenting us with documents called, “Advanced Directive, Living Will, and Power of Attorney.” I don’t really know what these things mean except, “In case I die.” And that, I do not like the sound of.

My mom has a private conversation with me where she shares with me her profound faith in God.

“Laynie, I think I’m going to come out of this. I’m not scared that I won’t. But I’m also not scared if I don’t. I’m ready to be with Jesus, Laynie. I know that’s where I’m going when I die. I don’t think that’s going to be now. But, when I do, I’m not scared.”

Ok, cool Mom. I mean… you can’t really ask for more from a woman. “No fear in life, no sting in death,” right? BUT AT THIS POINT I’M NOT REALLY CARING. I’m like, MOM! I WANT YOU TO LIVE! I know YOU’RE going to be happy with Jesus. And I wish I were going to be with him, too. Buuuut, could you just stick around a little longer?

I decide that I cannot live with myself if I am the person who signs that paper if she doesn’t wake up. I pull the child card (even though I’m now a big bad college grad) and her friend who is also a lawyer takes care of it all.

The chaplain prays with us. I cry a lot.

We stay up all night just waiting. We are told by our nurse who is not helpful (poor girl I’m sure was just as scared as we were) that she will be taken around 3 to the OR. Around 4, the people come to take her away.

We all (my cousin, aunt, grandparents and myself) pile into a service elevator with the gurney (is that what its actually called?) and the nurse and the tech and roll down to the ER.

Here, we meet a really nice nurse and the anaesthiologist.  (Spell check won’t even recognize that word I spelled it so wrong).

Anaesthiologist tells us he’s gonna fill her IV with a margarita to knock her out. Now here is language I can roll with.

We meet a doctor who explains the procedure further. He’s helpful. He says she will go into surgery around 6 and the procedure can take anywhere from four to six hours. He does not advise that we wait around.

I hug my mom and tell her how much I love her.

I cry a lot.

My aunt hugs me and cries. This is the first time I see her break down. It felt like a ten minute hug.

We go back to our hotel rooms that are attached to the hospital. It’s about 5 a.m.

The Lord is good and gives me a bed and gives me my sweet and faithful cousin Haley to be my roommate for the night. We are both afraid but we both trust in The One who is in control and always has been.

I sleep just a little bit trying to tell myself that God has my mom’s heart in his hands just as he always has. The doctors, the tools, every variable is in the hands of the Almighty God who has already given us new life in the way that it truly matters- in our souls.

Although I did not have these verses on my mind that night, I know them now. God wasn’t talking about heart transplant patients when he said,

“ I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanness, and form all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

Yup, not talking about a heart transplant at all. Because, as much as God cares for the life that my mother is living here on earth, he cares more about her eternity. And, he cares more about each of ours.

So yeah, I was scared. I knew that God was in control but I also knew that his control could mean that he could take her for himself at any second. I wasn’t really OK with that.

So I slept a little and cried a little and prayed a lot. And even when I woke up, I stayed under the covers, shrinking away from the truth that lay beyond that hotel room. Scared that when I came out my whole life would be different. Knowing that it could be better but scared of it being unfamiliar. And as I lay in that little bed scared of what’s out there, out of my control, out of my comfort zone, the God who has the whole world in his hands is holding my mom’s heart in his hands. He is faithful just as he has been.

My phone rings some time after 10 A.M. She’s out. She has a new heart. She’s doing fine.

…To be continued. It doesn’t end here. It has only just begun :)

“What did I open my computer for?” has become the modern day, “What did I come in this room for?”… just a thought

Long time no blog! 

I spent this summer at home doing pretty much nothing! This was an interesting and humbling time for me. While many friends were away at high power internships in cool cities or mission trips overseas, I hung out at home and did a whole lot of nothing.

It was refreshing though, and I actually got a lot of random things done!

My mom and I spent a lot of time updating some little things on our house this summer. 

After I spent last summer organizing my room I decided that this summer it needed a remodel! There was a lot of pink and my room and as a near 22 year old I felt it needed to be a bit more mature :)

Here is what it looked like after my organization last summer :)

My first step was to try to get rid of all of that PINK. I swear I decorated this room before pink & brown became THE nursery theme of the decade but, regardless: it needed an update!

I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and searched for a cheap bedspread/duvet that would do the trick of being neutral and mature but also matching my walls & furniture (these are things I didn’t want to change)

Especially after my recent obsession with Pinterest I had been looking for some type of window or door frame to put over my bed. You can see a window frame mirror that my mom had that I had behind my bed originally. But, it was square and didn’t complement my bed size very well. Also, I had a mirror over my desk across from my bed. So, that was too many mirrors.

My next logical step was to make a trip to Canton! Have you ever been to Canton? First Mondays in East Texas? Such great people watching, such a great time! I took a seasoned veteran, Taylor, and we went on our mission for a window frame!

We found this old screen which I wrote an $8 check for and never got cashed soooo it was free!

As you can see it was straight nasty at first. Mrs. Elledge is a self-proclaimed queen of junk and advised that I keep the screen in. It was rusty and dirty and I didn’t agree. So, we went to Home Depot and found some cheap chicken wire and spray paint.

Our next step was to cut out the nasty screen. Taylor was a great helper in this task. :)

Then, we spray painted it a beige/cream color

Next, we added chicken wire!

Almost done…hung it on the wall!

And for its final touch- add memories of friends and other decor!

It mostly has pictures on it but also a bible verse written on brown paper & a pearl locket for some extra flare :)

Fun project and classy room to go home to !

Hope y’all enjoyed all these! Stay tuned for the renovations we’ve made to our house in Austin this year

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Just listened to “Someday” by JJ Heller. Can’t find it on You Tube to share, but here are the lyrics.

I feel like i’ve been praying this for myself and so many others that I love lately. And God IS big enough to do it!

One day you’ll feel the sun
Warming your callused skin
The ropes will come undone
No more wars left to win

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don’t know when
Oooo you will live in peace.

Your battered heart will soar
Your wounds turned into wings
No one will keep the score
You wouldn’t care anyway

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don’t know when
Oooo you will live in peace.

May you see redemption
On this side of heaven
May you see redemption
On this side of heaven
May you see redemption
On this side of heaven
My friend

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don’t know when
Oooo you will live

Someday my dearest friend
Someday though I don’t know when
Oooo you will live in peac